Wednesday, February 24, 2010 will go down as one of the lowest points of my life to date. Let's just hypothetically say I buried someone who I have imagined to be dead for quite some time. Not to sound overly dramatic, but it just had to be that way. I have mourned and cried for almost two months now. And I know an arm or leg will pop out of this mind-grave over the rest of my life, but even the ghost of this person will not haunt me anymore.
Having said that, Friday, February 26, 2010 seems to be getting extra bright. I just found out that my car's rear workings had about 20 more miles on them, and then I could have wound up in a REAL grave of my own. So, praise God! He has brought people into my existence to help me deal with my problems!! Praise Him for replacing a not so great help-mate, with several willing hands and kind hearts who will actually fix something for me, and not make it worse. Praise God for the ability to discern in the future who will help me and who will not. Praise God for meditation and praise God for REAL friends, not the ones who say they are your friends and then never show any interest to actually BE your friend. Praise God for the ones who see through me and understand my pain and brokenness and know exactly what to say to make me feel loved. Praise God for friends who will call you up just to pray with you. Praise God with thankful tears and an open heart. Praise God for the ever-present need to rebuild trust. Praise God in my single state. Praise God for being the ultimate Consoler of the lonely.
Praise God. He will fix it all. Trust me. I know.
He who loves, never grows old. God is a shining example. You may feel that in this world, some people are very bad. But by feeling that a person is very bad or by hating that person, are you gaining anything? That particular person has not gained anything from your hatred. And what have you done? By hating that person, you have lost something very sweet in yourself. Why should one lose something very precious of her own, just because she wants to correct someone by hating him? In this world, we have to be very wise. You will say that he is very bad and that you have to do something. But hating is not the right instrument. If you want to use the right weapon, the most effective weapon will be love. - Sri Chinmoy
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
love never fails you
Another day of hearts has passed, and I must say I feel fine. I feel fine indeed.
I know I am not completely "fine" along the lines of my great sadness, but I am seeking and searching, and I know I am doing a FINE job in those aspects. I know because I am finally moving in the RIGHT direction! Hallelujah. Since my alone time with God, I see my life in a different light. Or rather, I see light in almost everything in my life. Nothing is the same in my heart since that weekend of being cooped up with the dogs and God. My prayers seem to have taken a turn for the better and I am learning how to really talk to God. Music falls on my ears with more clarity and complexion. I look at myself in the mirror and enjoy seeing the very small changes in my face- my eyes, mouth, lips and cheeks- all seem to "reflect" and "dance" a little more every day. I look forward to being alone, because I know then I am closer to God and our talks. I look forward to seeing friends because I know I am changing and I know they will see the change. Maybe not now, but they will! I look forward to speaking less and acting more.
Each day, I wake up with a sense of purpose, and even though I am far from healing in the land of all my mistakes, I am nurturing my wounds with a Higher Power.
I thought yesterday would be tough. I had been preparing myself for the dramatic wishing of flowers and a sweet valentine's day card. Or a sweet kiss. Or a romantic dinner. Or just a touch. I knew none of these things would happen, and I was ready to be a little sad, embrace my loneliness and go on. The sadness did not come right away. I attended the early service at my church and I was amazed, as I have been over and over again in this journey, at how God is working in my heart. The pastor's sermon was about men preparing to be good husbands. A book called "Wild At Heart" was referenced several times throughout the sermon. This particular book has been a part of a personal battlefield with me and various relationships at different stages of my life. Most recently, with the love I just lost. I prayed for him, just like I do every single day. But, then, I prayed for me. I prayed and I praised- thankful and releasing it all to God, as I do every day since the weekend of my most intimate encounter with God.
After the sermon, the offering was taken up, and a young artist sang an original song called "Love Never Fails" based on the verse in 1 Corinthians. It was as if God scooped me up and rocked me right there in my seat. There was the embrace! There was the love I needed. It's all I needed...
The rest of my Valentine's Day was spent enjoying scrumptious food with a dear friend and then coming back home to write and then off to work. I arrived joyful, but halfway through my shift, I felt the sadness. There it was. I felt it with great heaviness. I let myself feel it all the way up until I got back home. I knew I had to feel it, and I knew I could feel it without going too deeply into it, because God was still holding me. I fell asleep releasing it and awaiting the morning...another morning to know more about the greater love that never ceases to fail me.
Yes, I have a love that never leaves me, and He is teaching me to fly; preparing me in the waiting for greater, truer earthly love and enormous heavenly love in my future...
Hallelujah.
Brandon Heath- Love Never Fails
I know I am not completely "fine" along the lines of my great sadness, but I am seeking and searching, and I know I am doing a FINE job in those aspects. I know because I am finally moving in the RIGHT direction! Hallelujah. Since my alone time with God, I see my life in a different light. Or rather, I see light in almost everything in my life. Nothing is the same in my heart since that weekend of being cooped up with the dogs and God. My prayers seem to have taken a turn for the better and I am learning how to really talk to God. Music falls on my ears with more clarity and complexion. I look at myself in the mirror and enjoy seeing the very small changes in my face- my eyes, mouth, lips and cheeks- all seem to "reflect" and "dance" a little more every day. I look forward to being alone, because I know then I am closer to God and our talks. I look forward to seeing friends because I know I am changing and I know they will see the change. Maybe not now, but they will! I look forward to speaking less and acting more.
Each day, I wake up with a sense of purpose, and even though I am far from healing in the land of all my mistakes, I am nurturing my wounds with a Higher Power.
I thought yesterday would be tough. I had been preparing myself for the dramatic wishing of flowers and a sweet valentine's day card. Or a sweet kiss. Or a romantic dinner. Or just a touch. I knew none of these things would happen, and I was ready to be a little sad, embrace my loneliness and go on. The sadness did not come right away. I attended the early service at my church and I was amazed, as I have been over and over again in this journey, at how God is working in my heart. The pastor's sermon was about men preparing to be good husbands. A book called "Wild At Heart" was referenced several times throughout the sermon. This particular book has been a part of a personal battlefield with me and various relationships at different stages of my life. Most recently, with the love I just lost. I prayed for him, just like I do every single day. But, then, I prayed for me. I prayed and I praised- thankful and releasing it all to God, as I do every day since the weekend of my most intimate encounter with God.
After the sermon, the offering was taken up, and a young artist sang an original song called "Love Never Fails" based on the verse in 1 Corinthians. It was as if God scooped me up and rocked me right there in my seat. There was the embrace! There was the love I needed. It's all I needed...
The rest of my Valentine's Day was spent enjoying scrumptious food with a dear friend and then coming back home to write and then off to work. I arrived joyful, but halfway through my shift, I felt the sadness. There it was. I felt it with great heaviness. I let myself feel it all the way up until I got back home. I knew I had to feel it, and I knew I could feel it without going too deeply into it, because God was still holding me. I fell asleep releasing it and awaiting the morning...another morning to know more about the greater love that never ceases to fail me.
Yes, I have a love that never leaves me, and He is teaching me to fly; preparing me in the waiting for greater, truer earthly love and enormous heavenly love in my future...
Hallelujah.
Brandon Heath- Love Never Fails
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