wait.weight...

Here I am, seven days into February and it is my first blog of the year. Happy Birthday Mama…I love you. This one is dedicated to your incredible life that you have chosen to live so humbly and gently. You are more of a big deal than I could ever hope to be! You would be saying “Ahh, no I’m not,” right about now, and that is even more reason why you truly ARE an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your gifts with all who know you.

Psalm 63:1, "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (NIV)

Psalm 107:35, "He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs." (NIV)

I have been procrastinating to write for the whole month of January- and actually, I can track the “putting off” back to last year if you look at the last update on here. My explanation behind the waiting was always finding the perfect day and time to express all of my new growth- perhaps Thanksgiving- to show my extra gratitude, then my 31^st birthday to tie in the growing even more appropriately. Finally, it was Christmas and I was visiting my family in North Carolina. No doubt, the holidays are always a good time to catch up, and I had failed to snail mail out Christmas greetings for the second year in a row…still, my public writing was put off another day, another week. New Year’s Day came and I was certain I would get it together. After all, January of 2010 was the beginning of a complete shocker of a year for me and I definitely had “felt” the need to tell anyone and everyone who was willing to listen about my heartbreak and continuing life story at the beginning of last year. Why not start up the same way in 2011 to contrast the paths my life had taken from one year to the next? It wasn’t like I was waiting for the perfect time due to lack of material.

However, the last day of January was the day I was finally pushed head over heels into my words again- today was the day I was confident enough in my work to post. Yes, the little clicks bouncing from my fingers onto the screen have felt almost as awesome as my le pens remembering my handwriting in my many journals. I have survived another year of Jennie Lee Frank and I am kicking myself for not delving into my creative self more. I have been lazy and oh, how I have missed you, my beautiful word friends. I hope this is the beginning of the end of my absence from writing, but you never know what is coming and the resolutions will make their somersaults, fleeing as the minutes of my ever-changing tale tick by. I will not make any promises, but I know my soul longs for the words to appear, for my voice to sing through the words. Not only am I tired of the desert, but this feverish raconteur also knows she is not the one writing her story anymore. I am embarking on two secret projects, which will remain unrevealed until I have consistently stuck with them for ninety days. I am praying the drought continues to be over by the revelation of these new creative outlets. It is not up to me to decide what comes across the page anymore. This is completely a God thing- Higher Being, Spirit moving blessing to me. This is your invitation to come share in my adventures and it is my goal for you to be in active in your story alongside mine. It is absolutely amazing to be a character in the plot and not just watch the scenes from the easy chair.

So, I’m back on the blog and that wait IS indeed over.

Over the last twelve months, despite my creative lackaday, I have noticed that I have been constantly gaining “wait weight”. Yes, you read that correctly. My “wait weight” consists of both positives and negatives- a somewhat physical and spiritual accumulation of good and bad habits. Add to it about 40 pounds of extra Jennie since July, and days upon days of questions, answers, and spent time, and there you have it- WAIT WEIGHT. And yes, I am still in a wait of sorts, but that is another thought for another entry.

Oh, the “wait weight”….

Two weeks ago, I looked over my goals that I hoped to attain over 2010. These goals usually spurt out like a fountain at the crack of a new year and I spend hours writing them all out, hoping I haven’t missed one. From inspiration to perspiration, I am driven with a stinging energy to get them all down. Last year’s list was quite different than previous years. At the kick-start of Jennie’s 20Tenacity, my pastor had preached an inspiring sermon about the importance of a mission statement and specific year assessment. Filled with tenaciousness (seriously, no joke, I WAS Tenacious J), I was very eager to make my own Q&A and fill in the blanks. As I reflected upon 2010, I mourned over the goals that dropped off my year. However, for the first time in a very long time, I was able to look at that list I energetically spout off each New Year’s and actually say, “Hey, I did that!” It felt real good.

So, here is where I would normally insert my ebb and flow of the past year and show off my growth spurt. But, I’m not going to do that. I am going to tell you that I have so much to learn despite my tremendous leaps and bounds over the incredible amount of changes that have made their presence known in my life. I know this will never end until my life on earth is no more. I hope this entry is an introduction and invitation for you to follow me through another year while I am inspired to write about my own battles and experiences with my “wait weight” and it is my hope that you are inspired in return. I hope you are challenged to find your own “wait weight”. You might not understand that you are in a wait, but you ARE. Everyone is waiting for something. You might not think you have gained or lost or become stagnate with your weight- “weight” pertaining to your human trifecta of spirit, mind and body. But you have and you continue on…

"In the beginners mind there are many possibilities, but in the experts there are few." Shunryu Suzuki

One of my goals from 2010 was to learn more about my spiritual gifts. If you do not share in my faith, you might not understand what I am speaking about. However, I believe that every single person has gifts to share with the world and I didn’t know very much about mine until I leapt into them last year. I only scratched the surface, but I did find out what my spiritual gifts were. My person requires three actions every week in order to function my life in this world to the truest degree of being able to give and share these gifts with others:

#1- I must hear and/or participate in a live, organic relationship with other people and with music.

#2- I must listen in prayer and meditation, to my God and to the Spirit.

#3- I must create and share my creativeness with others.

In conjunction with those three things, I am striving to seek the truth and try my best to speak the truth each day. This is so hard, especially with the push and pull of every day’s battle. And I fail just about every day, but I strive nonetheless.

"I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws." Psalm 119:30 (NIV)

Mmmmmm, you must be wondering why that is so profound to me? Maybe you already recognize your spiritual gifts and it is quite easy for you to use them. I have been on this earth 31 years and counting and it is very difficult for me to use mine. This is mere miniscule poundage on my scale of “wait weight”. Even more humorous is the fact that I have always had various friends and family try to tell me how to use my gifts. While this has been loving advice, I have realized that you can’t really use your gifts when you have no idea what they are, and even when you begin to understand them, you must approach them with consistent thought, prayer analysis and seriousness. Oh, and get down and dirty!! Playing with the grit that comes with these gifts is no game, but the process gets messy and often times, I wish it were just a game...

Again, here I am, blog on. I am joyfully overweight in my trifecta and I am writing to tell you, you aren’t alone in yours. Let’s inspire one another to giving instead of taking with our “wait weight” and actually make decisions to input delightful food (pertaining to our spirit, mind and body) to feed us while we are striving to feed others (or when we unknowingly feed others). That is my sincere mission statement for 2011. I am the most indecisive person I know, so that is going to be a true challenge this year.

"Real transformation is the process born out of the fires of life when we choose to embrace suffering and deeply trust God with our entire inner being, let His love, grace, and truth touch our deepest fears, hurts and desires, and then begin to live from love filled hearts." (Larry Bolden)

**A lot of my spiritual references (quotes, subject inspiration) are taken from my pastor's sermons. If you would like to experience these for yourself, check out http://www.westendcc.org/3312279 .

in truly Love,

jennie lee