I haven't blogged or written online since my house flooded in May, and that is getting ready to change. I decided this wonderful writing below deserves a post because it has been my "re-read of the year" for 2010 and has definitely kept me seeking and searching the TRUTH and HOME in my own personal, spiritual journey. Thank you to all my relationships who have helped me through this transition! There are SO many people to thank and be grateful for!
If you have already read it, read it again!
I anxiously await the rest of my year, the rest of my life here...love love LOVE!!
THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE HELPED ME RE-BUILD AND CONTINUE TO HELP ME BUILD AUTHENTIC, EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS...
It costs nothing to be honest, loyal and true! (Avett Brothers)
truly exhilarating to think on covenant...
Jennie Lee :)
How to attract emotionally healthy people:
By E.K.Bernshaw
1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Think about it. Do you like who you are?
2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear about what it is. Until then, don't go around demanding things you just think you should have.
3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.
4. Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what other ( family, friends, spouse) say your should have.
5. Tell everyone else your truth about what you want. Don't be afraid to share your vision and dreams.
6. You are not defined by your relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over your soul to one.
7. Interdependent (two independent functional people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term.
8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth. See the hierarchy of a functional relationship
9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is so you can own it.
10. If your relationship is not getting better, it is probably getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.
11. Every relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50 deals.
12. It's not your job to fix your mate, and it's not his or her job to fix you. Take the relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you'd like to hear. We can work with what's real. It's impossible to deal with what's not real.
13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven't gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you'll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you'll recognize it when it's given to you.
14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment.
15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what's real and what's Memorex!
16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you to be right, does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is short. Don't waste it on arguments that have no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to. Then laugh about it and go on to the next thing. Start observing your arguing as just another one of our dysfunctional, immature habits that need to be broken.
17. When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93) we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included. The best ways to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrate it.
18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Please consider the source and the outcome of your remarks, before you open you mouth to tell your truth.
19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you are for your good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.
20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it everyday, by telling your truth. If you don't feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it's so important to stay, and what else you are willing to lose besides your self-esteem. For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their truth, and be willing to accept it at face value, with no judgment. Now you both get to know if you each want a relationship based on what's real.
For optimum results, start doing this in the first five minutes of meeting anyone.
HIERARCHY OF A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP
INTIMACY
LOVE
RESPECT
TRUST
TRUTH
What is a functional relationship?
Without the beginning base of truth in a relationship, trust cannot occur. Without the development of trust, respect will never be born. Without a level of respect for another, a functional relationship of love will not seed and nourish the partners. Intimacy occurs when we become willing to share our whole selves with another in this order. It is the gift we get when we learn to engage in a balanced, loving
and functional relationship.
© Copyright 1999 E.K.Bernshaw All Rights Reserved
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Eve Bernshaw, author of TheTransitionProcessT is a career and transitions counselor . She maintains a private practice, training and consulting firm that specializes in functional decision-making and communications in career, business and relationship issues. As a business development consultant for over 25 years, she continues to advise organizations and individuals on issues surrounding their professional and personal growth, vocational change, or independent venture development.
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