shackled in snow, learning to fly...

Philippians 1:9 (Message)

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much, but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

I have had a God-filled weekend. Friday morning, I woke up at 7am to take my brother to the airport. As I drove my rear-wheel drive car back into Bellevue at 8:30am, there were tiny snowflakes spilling onto my windshield. I was thankful I would be back home before the "blizzard" hit. I was kind of incredulous about the predictions of over a couple inches of snow here in Nashville. We don't get much of that white stuff. But, much to my surprise (and half chagrin/half delight), by noon it had been snowing quite heavily, and it didn't stop coming down until late into the wee morning hours of Saturday.

* Anytime you say it with heart, anytime you are falling apart...you're coming home to Me, just remember, you're coming home to Me... (Patty Griffin- Coming Home to Me)

The snow kind of stopped my world- as I have known it for so long. There are not many weekends where I am at home alone. I mean, I had two dogs here with me, but still, I am either working (my work week starts on Thursday nights and ends Monday nights) or there has usually always been someone here with me- whether it's a room-mate, a boyfriend, a friend, my brother in rare case, or I had something fun to do away from my house...but this particular weekend, I have spent a good 48 hours and counting, alone.

It was just Jennie...and God.

* Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. (Albert Einstein)

* Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. (Blaise Pascal)

* Falsehood has an infinity of combinations, but the truth has only one mode of being. (Jean Jacques Rousseau)

As I have said in previous musings, I knew I was embarking on a spiritual journey this year, but every week, I realize it's a journey unlike anything I have experienced before. My hours- days- alone this last weekend of January, have confirmed in my soul that God is taking me for the ride of my life. Or rather, the flight of my life.

* Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee, Destitute, despised forsaken, Thou from hence my all shall be. Perish every fond ambition, all I've sought or hoped or known, Yet how rich is my condition! God and heaven are still mine own. (Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken)

* When you stand back and consider, you are confronted with how little is actually under your control. When you stop and look, you are faced with your smallness, your weakness and your limits. But don't get discouraged and don't panic; reality is a healthy place to be. Think about it. Only when I humbly embrace my weakness, humbly admit my limits, and humbly admit how small I actually am, can I begin to reach out for the help of a loving, powerful, and gracious Redeemer who is the true source of my strength, wisdom, and hope. Only then can I begin to function as an instrument in his powerful hands, rather than being in his way because, in forgetting who I am and who he is, I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO HIS JOB. (Tripp- Broken Down House)

I've always professed to be a Christian, but I have been looking at little signs lately, and I realize, I've never gone really that deep into my faith. I started probing for meanings to my own spiritual journey back in April of 2009, when I promised myself I would attend church every week. When my world was shattered with a very broken relationship on January 2nd, 2010, I was so thankful I had started listening to my heart about mending and rebuilding my faith. But, I knew in order to find strength to come out of that heartache, I needed to start being completely honest with myself.

* Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown. (Author Unknown)

That week of January 2nd, I promised myself I would tell myself only the truth every day. I decided to start attending a bible study at my church, and I immediately decided to sign up to finally become a member of my church, after attending on and off for 12 years. Yes, twelve. And I was going to be a "good" girl- the girl I had left behind somewhere in my past.

* Say it's over, say I'm dreaming, say you're better than you left me, say you're sorry, I can take it. Say you'll wait, say you won't, say you love me, say you don't, I can make my own mistakes...let it bend before it breaks... (Brandi Carlile- Before It Breaks)

* God alone needs nothing outside himself, and he himself is the highest and only lasting good. So, all objects we desire short of God are as finite and incomplete as we ourselves are and, therefore, disappointing if we make them objects of ultimate desire. (Guinness- The Call)

Promises, promises...wow, how we like to try to control everything! I did fairly well with that promise to myself for about a week. Then, I found I was patting myself on the back for my "change" and then, falling smack dab in the middle of a lie. I kind of realized at that point that while I thought I was giving it all up to God and letting go, I was really just trying to tell myself that I was GOING TO EVENTUALLY do that, but oh, this soft place to fall was so comfortable- so easy- and so very hurtful to me. I prayed so much, I wept so much- why couldn't I stay in love with this man I spent over two years of my life loving and still love myself AND love God? Why couldn't I have it all? Wasn't this in YOUR WILL God? Why did I waste so much time thinking he was the one? Why do I now feel like I am that girl I was years ago, living my most intimate relationship in secret? This had not been the case just a few weeks before. Everything I felt was returned, and then as soon as I was completely broken I saw how much my love was now not returned in the very least. Every other day, I would go back and forth, feeling like I was strong, then feeling as weak as I've ever felt. I had friends and even strangers, reach out to me in this time of grief, seemingly "time to get grounded" period in my life. I surrounded myself with people almost every day. I put on my game face at work. I wrote a personal mission statement. I sought to discover my spiritual gifts. I would tell myself "you are going to fly Jennie" and I would be so hopeful- but the truth, ahh the truth...you cannot even begin to learn to fly, or hope, without it...

*The revolution of Jesus is in the first place and continuously a revolution of the human heart or spirit. It did not and does not proceed by means of the formation of social institutions and laws, the outer forms of our existence, intending that these would then impose a good order of life upon people who come under their power. Rather, his is a revolution of CHARACTER, which proceeds by changing people from the inside out through ongoing personal relationship to God in Christ and TO EACH OTHER. (Dallas Willard- Renovation of the Heart)

Truth came to visit Friday night. I had spent the day's hours inside, then some outside with the snow, and two dogs, who were enjoying each other so much, that they were driving me bonkers. I entered my room, taking in my little bedroom. I don't turn on lights too much, so I was seeing my room through the light of my computer screen, and the brightness that the snow outside was reflecting from the full moon and snow clouds. I could have turned on the tv, but then, I thought, no, I'll just go to sleep. But something wasn't right. I was trying to listen to the silence for an answer. It can be quite still when you are snowed in. There are no cars zooming by on your road, and honestly, my phone hadn't buzzed most of the day- not even the sound of getting a text message. "Maybe you should read" I heard a voice tell me. Ok...

I have books everywhere. Books in plain sight that I should have read a year ago. Self-help books, books on writing, books on artistry, books on the Beatles, books on spirituality. Wait, yes, maybe I should have picked up one of those. But, no, I found myself getting out of bed and walking over to my cabinet of what I like to call "creativity". It has various journals of the past on it's flimsy shelves, along with boxes of blank cards, planners of years' past, photos, concert tickets, and well, a couple books. I closed my eyes and picked...THE SHACK.

I had no idea what this book was about. It wasn't even really mine. My ex-roomie had given it me to borrow over 6 months ago. It sat in my cabinet of creativity untouched. By the time I had read the forward, I was intrigued. This was my book for the weekend. Barely after the first chapter was finished, my mind was all jumbled and averted to that same ol' someone who had occupied my thoughts most of my days since January 2nd. I stopped reading and yelled at him as if he was in the room with me: "Go away!" I tried to start the second chapter. He was still there. I put down the book. I fervently prayed for God to take these thoughts away from me, atleast for just tonight. "Please God, take them away from me so I can hear You again. I love him and I want him to know how much You love him, so take this away from me now." Almost instantly, I felt a presence in my room that was warm and comforting. I managed to get halfway through The Shack, and drifted off to sleep around 2am, my thoughts focused only on this very loving presence of God.

Saturday morning, I woke up to hear noise- something that had been absent from me for the 24 hours and counting I had spent alone. I was hungry. I wanted coffee. I fixed myself a hearty breakfast, thankful that I had a refrigerator full of groceries for my snowed-in self. I had great expectations of cleaning and organizing, but God told me to read. I spent the rest of the day reading on and off, taking the dogs out to do their business, feeding the dogs, feeding myself, and writing. God's presence followed me through my day, tearing apart my hurt, prompting me to dwell on Him and nothing else. The Shack moved me to laughter, moved me to tears. I realized where my own Great Sadness hid within my heart. (You will understand what this means if you read the book, which I encourage every person to do- as soon as you can!) Through reading the book in its entirety, I was almost sick to my stomach. At the end of the day, I fell into my bed, knowing I could sleep through the night with a peace that I hadn't had for almost a month or more. But, the book, it wasn't finished, and my research on God and myself was not finished, it was only beginning.

I read and I listened. I focused solely on the Presence within me and around me. I started thinking less about my "special someone" and even less about my sadness and the "love" I had for it. I remembered times throughout my so-called "the one relationship" that had broken me, and I hadn't even noticed. I recalled specific lines to lyrics of beloved songs, quotes from various authors I had read over the month of January- the month where I was going to change my life and start my spiritual journey. Advice that had been given to me from friends circled inside my mind, and all the while, I heard the Voice of the Presence and I felt it kneading out a knot in my soul. I fell asleep reading and listening...

* All love and relationship is possible for you ONLY because it already exists with me, within God myself. Love is NOT the limitation; love is the flying. I AM LOVE... (excerpt from THE SHACK by Wm Paul Young)

I woke up this morning from a dream where I was asked to fly an airplane. The pilot had mysteriously disappeared and I was the only one who could do it. However, I just stepped into the plane, and it took flight, without me even being in the pilot's seat. Today was the first Sunday in a long while that I missed my church service. But what I had here, with the snow keeping me in one place, giving me the time in my own "shack" that I needed so desperately with God, was definitely a worthy substitute. I have missed four shifts of working because of this time. I have missed being surrounded by the bustle of company. However, God showed me His truth this weekend. I finally feel like I am really ready to face it all. God is all the love I'll ever need to embrace, and just to think of pouring myself into Him is more inviting than drowning myself into anything or anyone else on this earth. I didn't know I needed such a redemption this weekend, but I did. Over the past 72 hours or so, I have not experienced change, but rather, a motivation to really and truly change my character. The girl I missed so desperately has vanished. I am a woman and a child of God. I am filled with a spirit I cannot begin to explain any further than what I have just written. All I know is I have a long way to go, but I go with the Truth. I will go with this Love, and let it allow me to fly, and I am finally, finally...READY to fly, no hoping to...

This experience I have had is only a fractal of my beautiful mess I have in front of me. I am especially fond of this time (another statement you will understand more clearly if you read THE SHACK).

Finally, I begin, yet, AGAIN, but I begin with the real honest truth...

* Haste then on from grace to glory, armed by faith, and winged by prayer. Heaven's eternal days before thee, God's own hand shall guide thee there. Soon shall close thy earthly mission, swift shall pass thy pilgrim days; Hope soon change to glad fruition, faith to sight, and prayer to praise. (Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken)

* Waiting is one of God's most powerful tools of grace. God doesn't give us grace for the wait. The wait itself is a gift of grace. You see, waiting is not only about what you will receive at the end of the wait. Waiting is about what you will become as you wait. (Tripp- Broken Down House)

to be continued...and believing it's worth the journey and the wait for ...

TRULY tenacious jlee :)

* The solution of the problem of life is LIFE ITSELF. Life is not attained by reasoning and analysis, but first of all by LIVING. For until we have begun to live, our prudence has no material to work on. And until we have begun to fail, we have no way of working out our success. (Thomas Merton)

Phillippians 3:7:

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.